Humorous Speech Contest


It was my first attempt to participate in a humorous speech contest, in fact, the first ever speech contest (Toastmasters) I've joined.  I have had no whatsoever expectation, because I do not think I will be able to pull it off the first time.  There are so much more for me to learn.

First of, finding a humorous material is already a daunting task.  As I drafted my script, incidents that I find funny laughing my head off the first time, just become dead boring now.  Presenting them in a humorous way is another hurdle.  Where is the fine line between a humorous speaker and a clown? 

I was the only female contestant out of the five in total.  This is not really an issue because I don't really think gender bias exists in our club.  

In the end, the one that entertained us the most, and got the most laughters from us was crowned the champion of the club.  He will then proceed to represent our club to the area, district level contest.  My heartest congratulation to the winners.

Here is my speech.

Before I talk about my profession, I have something to share with you.

Whoever the person that comes up with that, has the ulterior motive, the ultimate conspiracy to cripple the development of the teaching career. This is because, beside the noble vocation which nobody really cares about nowadays, teaching is really a fun and interesting career.

For starter, I am a teacher and I have a cane. Just how many of you can bring a cane to work and whip your clients? A cane represents power, authority, and it generates fear. Well, sometimes. I remember that I was on duty one day as usual with my cane to herd the wandering kids into their respective classrooms. I hardly had any chance to do anything because even shadows will hide 10 feet away on sight of the cane. Just as I was bored to death, two 13 year old boys skipped down the corridor, chasing and teasing each other. So I stopped them, put on a stern voice and even sterner face and asked them the reason for not being in the class. Instead of giving me the answer, one boy beamed his sweetest smile and said, "Miss, I saw you in Facebook." So? "You are very pretty." Yea, thank you, but you still have to go back to class. And the two boys giggled away to class. Talk about authority and fear.  I guess there are exceptions.

Besides the cane, I use other methods too. To establish authority, quick, one of the ways is to threaten these little rascals. What I normally do is to tell them my rules and end with a threatening line, "I'm a dragon, so you don't want to piss me off." It works so fine that finally karma catches up with me. And so it backfired. Just this year, when I told the Form 1 boys and girls the same thing, one of the boys listened attentively and then answered, "But Miss, we are all born in the year of dragon too."

That's not all. And as English teacher, I get extra bonuses.  One of the things that amuse me the most is when kids saying the most unexpected things. And these are the best perks one teacher could ever have. It instantly brightens up your day, because all these are so genuine, so original and so entertaining.

Once I had my students commenting, "Miss, we have never encountered such a crazy teacher like you before." Oh, what have you discovered? "You turn our mistakes into something funny, and marking our bad essays is entertainment to you." Now, there is a fine line there. And so far, none of my students are smart enough to sue me, yet.

Let me share with you some of the goodies that I've gotten.

I was once assigned to teach English to an end class.  Their English was so poor that I have decided to use English songs to help them learn some basic structure of English sentences in a fun way. So I let them pick any song they like. One of the girls was eagerly shouting from the back of the class, "My hurt will go on", "My hurt will go on". Knowing my students too well, I said a.. ah, no, no translate English songs. I want ENGLISH songs.  

No, Miss, it is a famous English song.

Oh really, how come I know nothing about it.

Nay, that one our Principal likes. ………

I still don't know which song are you talking about.

It's in the movie, you jump, I jump.

O, you mean Titanic? My Heart Will Go On?

Frankly, I'm really concerned and worried that one day if the girl is ever sent to the emergency room, the doctors are going to have a hard time helping her.

Another common problem with my students is their ability to form new words. Yes, I know I did preach to them that they should be creative and innovative. But when students ran out of proper diction, they just improvise. For example, during the last English diagnostic test not so long ago, we had the students labelleb the kitchen utensils. We presented them a picture with a series of knieves.  So, one of the students wrote "knife", "small knife", "big knife", "giant knife", "cleavage". Boy, I do hope that boy was not thinking what I thought he was thinking for he spelt the word cleaver as "clevage".

So, would you like to be entertained and humored everyday at work? I can guarantee you many more surprises await you daily. Isn't teaching a fun career? Nay, I'm just humoring you.